Dear "You're Not Good Enough"

                                                                               October 24, 2013

Dear “You’re Not Good Enough,”        

 

             

I want to break up with you. You are a piece of shit for allowing me to continue to believe you. You show up in my sleep, in my dreams, in my good morning, at my work, in my relationships. Fuck, I let you win all the time, and I play really good defense, but not when it comes to you. I lay down. I submit. I believe in you more than I believe in myself. I trust you more than what others tell me, more than my own voice. You make me need to get everything right on the first try or else. I can’t make mistakes in front of you. You let me put people on pedestals while I get stuck in the mud. This has to stop! You have been around all my life since I can remember. I want to say I am ready to let you go, but I hesitate. Why? Sometimes it can make me nervous to make new friends, but why should I delay befriending myself?

                                                        I am good enough.

                                                         Peace and Solidarity,

                                                                   Jeanette Richelson

Parachute

I am a parachute.
You, who I carry and the air keeps the heart of me open.
I am all colors of the rainbow, massaged by the wind
overlooking your bodies of water.
I carry whoever wants to be held up by me and the sky.
We travel together, aligned at the hips.
When we are ready, we gracefully land.
Until next time, my friend.

Like Falling into a Lullaby

We have many verses.

Right before bedtime,

You were like a soothing piece of music,

A hum in my ear,

A kiss on my lips,

Your breath inside mine,

This is how we build our chorus.

Your touch inside me

as you lay under me,

You sing sweetly over my female instrument. 
Coming with you was like falling into a lullaby.

Beauty Even Exists in the Gutters

Trespassing

This poem is inspired by getting my car broken into, but that experience left me with thinking about our universal experience of relationships and connections sometimes...

My heart has windows.
You may have trespassed into my space and
smashed my whole window open,
But you did not create the mess.
You only added to it.
I don’t know who you are, but I hope you found what you were looking for.
I picked up the sharp pieces with care.
I found a clearing in the seats of gray through your breach of our community.
I bet your heart has windows too.
I wish you peace on your journey as you heal your own spirit.
We are all just vehicles for transformation.
Thank you for reminding me that it can be messy,
this life thing. -Lil J

Kindle

You turned my heart into a place I never want to go home to, destroyed my foundation that held me up, extinguished the fire keeping my soul warm. I’m almost out of kindling, and somehow I willingly share it all with you to see, only, you sparkle. I wish we could brush our limbs together and both kindle through the night.   

One step at a time together.

"There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen." -Rumi

Thank you to those who stayed

When all I could see was dark,
and all I chose was fear,
and all I chose was selfishness,
and all I chose was avoidance of self,
and all I chose was shutting down,
Thank you to those who stayed by my side.

When I refused to take action,
and refused to get quiet,
and refused to choose courage,
and refused to tell the truth,
and refused to reach out,
and refused to accept the things I could not change,
Thank you to those who believed in me.

Thank you to those who reminded me.
Thank you to those who listened over and over and over again.
Thank you to those who embraced me.
Thank you to those who held me up.
Thank you to those who helped me truly see myself again.

LOVE Strawberries

Anything is possible.

X: That's how I play the game

Devastating Ambiguity

 4 different versions of this poem. Which resonates more with you?

 

1. 

There’s an ease, yet unrest.

There’s a quiet, yet a clamor.

There’s comfort, yet distress.

I crave you, yet I reject you.

You are family, yet a stranger.

You are familiar, yet unknown.

You are a remedy, yet there is pain.

You are me, I am you.

Devastating ambiguity unravels my soul. 

2. 

There’s an ease, yet unrest. 

There’s a quiet, yet a clamor. 

There’s comfort, yet distress. 

I crave me, yet I reject me. 

I am family, yet a stranger. 

I am familiar, yet unknown. 

I am a remedy, yet there is pain. 

I am me, You are you. 

Devastating ambiguity unravels your soul.

3.

There’s unrest, yet ease.

There’s a clamor, yet a quiet.

There’s distress, yet comfort.

I am family, yet a stranger. 

I am unknown, yet familiar. 

There is pain, yet I am the remedy.

I reject me, but I crave me. 

You are you and I am me. 

My soul unravels ambiguity devastatingly.

4.

There’s unrest, yet ease. 

There’s a clamor, yet a quiet.

There’s distress, yet comfort.

I reject you, yet I crave you.

You are a stranger, yet you are family.

You are unknown, yet familiar.

There is pain, yet you are my remedy.

We are.

Devastating Ambiguity.

 

 

I choose trust.

I tap my chest.

‘I choose trust, I choose trust,’ I say over and over.

Please, God, allow this pain to rest, just for today. 

I pray, you sadness go away.

I am not in Kansas anymore.

I have never known this depth of emptiness before.

And nothing,

not food,

not curling up and watching Friends,

not clicking the heels of my ruby slippers together to arrive at my parents’ home-

none of it works anymore.

So, I must learn to self soothe-

hold a stuffed animal and cry it out,

cradle myself with a hot water bottle,

sit in a bath with bubbles, rose drops, and sea salt,

letting my eyes be captivated by the water and not the stories I tell myself.

I choose to breathe deeply, 

steeping in a hot cup of herbal tea.

I choose to write poetry.

I choose to let go of you, so I can choose the light in me.

I tap my chest.

I choose to allow.

I choose trust.

I choose trust.